K. Korilakuma by Shinobu Yukimura
The Internet has liberalised knowledge. But it has also liberalised stupidity.
My beloved Heuristically Algorithmic teddy, ‘Kuma’, has recently discovered the internet. I let her surf it because she is bored at home while I go out and fight evil as my alter ego ‘Gonzaburo, The Unseen Hand of Justice’. Sadly, she has come across a lot of inaccurate information about her favourite topic – theology. And more specifically, Islam.
Kuma has been visiting dodgy sites such as ‘Wikiislam’ that have been telling her about mistakes in the Quran (which somehow escaped the notice of non-Muslim Orientalist scholars for hundreds of years) that the clever rabbits at ‘Wikiislam’ had found.
Tragically, Kuma is now close to apostating from Islam as she feels that the Quran is littered with scientific errors. Although, like the Quran, I believe in unconditional religious freedom, I am concerned that Wahhabis & Salafis may try to kill or even burn my poor Kuma alive for leaving Islam. You know, because that’s how they are.
So, to save my beloved teddy from potential eternal damnation and Salafi fatwas, I called round Quran expert and theoretical physicist Chuck Connors to go through the extensive list of supposed scientific errors in the Quran presented on that site.
I did this on an ad hoc basis, hoping to spend several hours systematically reviewing what I thought would be a set of arguments, but frankly, most of the ‘scientific errors’ we saw were so nonsensical, ultra-literalist (‘Go and ask the village’ means actually ask the brick and mortar buildings of the village as opposed to ask it’s inhabitants’ etc), fabricated and generally banal, that we soon started messing around and free-wheeling onto other topics.
The teddy is happily still Muslim and now appreciates that whereas any idiot can start a website, it is harder to publish a book or become an academic and she should not use the internet, wonderful as it is, as a substitute for other serious research methods or even more importantly, critical thinking.
And don’t be so gullible – silly Kuma!
Mahmut ‘Chuck’ Connors was sent to a traditional Islamic Madrasah at the age of ten. He memorised the whole Quran, studied classical Arabic, Tafseer (exegesis of the Quran), Shatibiyyah (different types of recitation), Fiqh (jurispudence), Hadith, Mantiq (logic) and Kalaam (Islamic philosophy and creed) for the next decade.
In a complete change of tac, he then gained BSc’s in both Molecular Biology and Mathematics and Astrophysics as well as an MSc in Theoretical Physics from Kings College London.
He is currently researching Black Hole thermodynamics for his PhD.
Asharis: Assemble 
You son of a bitch ignore that Asharis, Maturidis, Hanafis, Shafiis, Malikis and Mutazilis also call for killing of apostates.
Aaaaaah, “son of a bitch”. The trademark speech of anyone who’s deeply studied all matters Islamic, including the lost wisdom of Asharis,, Hanafis etc.
Well done son. Don’t stop there, though. We’ll raise some funds for you to get out of the homeless shelter you’re probably in. and who knows, with a little luck (and intensive finishing school), you might just have a full-time stand-up career in your nearest “Sharia”-controlled ghetto.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!
Brilliant – funny and informative!
Why can’t people make more stuff like this instead of trying to look pietistic?
Not as funny as the ‘SALAFAIL’ guys comment though. SOOOOOOO dumb!
Yes, I told him after his death threats and Boko Haraam praising comments that the only way he would get published is if he made us laugh [at his stupidity], so looks like he/she/it took me seriously…
But where did I fail? Isn’t it true that nearly everybody says apostasy is punished by death? If you go to Saudi Arabia (salafi) you get killed, to IS (extremely salafi) you get killed, to Iran (shia) you get killed, to 1980s Pakistan you get killed, to Ottoman Empire (hanafi?) you get killed, anywhere else in muslim lands in former times you get killed.
If you were a Jew and lived in an Israel that is controlled fully by Rabbis you would get killed. If you were Christian and lived in medieval Europe you would get killed.
So we see a consensus of all monotheistic faiths including different islamic sects that the apostate is killed. You go against anyone who believes in the mosaic God. That’s why I say and it’s fair that you are a bastard and your mamma a prostitute. You are the one who goes against the consensus of Muslims (all of them), Jews and Christians.
Also, please be careful before showing your teddy to Salafi/ISIS types: they probably want to rape it now…
All joking aside, I have actually read justifications for marital rape/slave rape coming from Salafi sources. That is what you get when you start worshiping a human (Ibn Taymiyyah, Sheikh Uthaymeen, ibn “this”, abu “that”) rather than Allah.
Excellent! And will there be a part 2?
On a side note, Asadullah Ali His a brilliant six part lecture titled “Understanding Athiesm,” where he goes into the “scientific miracles” in the Quran and literalism in the reading it.
You can find it here if you don’t mind me posting the link?!
https://asadullahali.wordpress.com/2015/02/09/understanding-atheism-lecture-series/
Wow, nice talk!!
I have a question about the story of Lot in the Quran (and not the homosexuality part though i will say the visiting men did sound pretty rapey too.) At one point, Lot offers his daughters for marriage to them, and this part is really deeply troubling to me because I don’t exactly get why he’d do that–like why would he give his daughters (without asking them?) to all these horrible people?