Of course, this is a humorous and rude piece, and we should know that Islam is the only real cure for racism, since it not only tackles racism in the strongest terms but also it’s seeds, tribalism and nationalism. Islam even goes so far as to condemn colour bias within races (in the Quran no less). 

Sadly this has not stopped some incredibly stupid people from trying to introduce it anyway, in the form of the misused ‘Rules of Compatibility’ in marriage, introduced by jurists to prevent unnecessary exploitation of women and divorces, especially between Arab men and foreign women, who they would divorce after arguing they were not ‘compatible’ on cultural grounds (hang on, this sounds familiar…).

Rest assured, Islam is above all this and in ANY group there will always be some really dumb people.

Also, it is humorous and inappropriate. It is NOT serious. Nor does it reflect our views (necessarily).

DISCLAIMER: ‘We in the DSA (Deobandi Salafist Alliance) condemn the comments attributed to Sheikh Rehan and are disgusted by his assertion that racism in marriage is the same as normal racism and is thus prohibited in Islam. Both we and our Deobandi fan club feel that it is the correct position that racism is BAD, except in marriage, in which case it is GOOD, as long as you don’t call it racism or ‘asabiyyah’ or tribalism and call it ‘compatibility’.

According to this logic, a few of our Salafist and Deobandi Sheikhs went a bit too far and said that alcohol was BAD unless you renamed it RIBENA, in which case it was GOOD and became permissible.

When it was pointed out to them by a passing uneducated tramp from Romania that their logic was absurd they replied that this has never stopped them before. 

Another passing five year old from Gambia pointed out that racism in marriage was actually the worst form of racism since in Islam the only way to propagate the human species is by producing children within a marriage or concubinage contract and that in any society the only way to insist on racism is to integrate it into the marriage system. They replied that the child had clearly used his intellect to come to this conclusion, and since according to their methodology, use of the intellect was HARAAM, then his conclusions were thus invalid. 

When the child pointed out that if using the intellect is haraam, how did they arrive at that conclusion itself without using the intellect, they became confused and started making monkey noises, although one particularly intelligent Sheikh among them realised that monkeys are a despised animal and started mooing like a cow.

In any case, all that is besides the point. We in the Alliance have found the text to a Question and Answer session Sheikh Rehan held immediately after his reprehensible comments on compatibility in marriage. Although he spent most of his session giving intensive ‘da’wah’ to some scantily clad non – Muslim ‘sisters’ from former Soviet block countries (OUR FATWA: COMPLETELY HALAL), we have reproduced some of his replies below.

May this misguided brother find the straight path of ‘Stuff We Made Up ‘Cos We Felt Like it’ Islam soon’

Q: Sheikh Rehan, you are truly amazing and I admire you greatly, but I would like your advice on a difficult matter. Can you recommend a fail-proof method of dealing with the numerous erroneous statements of Salafist/Deobandi scholars? It seems so hard!

A: Yes, my son. Punch them in the face as hard as you can as soon as they open their mouth to talk about any religious or secular topic (i.e. anything) and you will not have the trouble of refuting them. This method never fails.

Q: But Sheikh, isn’t punching people in the face prohibited in Islam?!

A: Yes, but so is talking shit about Islam, so it is a difficult balance. Also, if you punch them in the face, they find it difficult to continue talking, and again, you are spared the effort of refuting them.

Q: What about those Deobandi scholars who claim not to be affiliated with Salafists, should they also be punched?

A: A lot of Deobandis pretend to disagree with the Salafists but it is very hard to find them critiquing each other and some of the top Ulema of Deoband itself are keen to show just how close they are. In my experience the main Deobandi Ulema who have any independence are based in South Africa, where the Salafists are too scared to go and there are fewer white girls for them to pull. My opinion is that you should punch them in the face just to be sure.

Q: Clearly, these things should be left to the people of knowledge. These people have studied for decades and dedicated their whole lives to knowledge. Who are you to speak against them? It is compulsory to follow the people of knowledge!

A: What if a Christian said to you that he follows the doctrine of Trinity on the basis of ‘those Christians who have knowledge’ and who is he to question them, would you accept that?

Q: Uhhhh…

A: Shut up idiot, it was a rhetorical question.

Q: Sheikh, I see your point, but we are in need of guidance on issues such as marriage etc. Why should we not trust the scholars, how can you say they are insincere?!

A: I never said they are insincere. I said that they are stupid.

Q: You haven’t answered the question though Sheikh…

A: That’s right! You are very observant!

Q: But Sheikh, please tell us where we can find guidance on issues around marriage?

A: Not from these guys. The same thing that goes for Catholic priests – ‘If you don’t play the game, what right do you have to make up the rules?’ – goes for them. And believe me sister, they ain’t playing the game!

You know what sister, I’m actually gonna answer your question! You see this is how we ‘scholars’ operate. Actually most of us are a lot like Catholic Priests, except we are not gay. We copied our monastic Darul – uloom system from the Christians and we have the same problems as them: namely that we are out of touch with normal civilian life, having spent many years in complete sexual isolation in a  monastic education. Thus, when we are exposed to the fitnah of the outside world, we overreact, because unlike the rest of society we have not had ‘graded exposure’. We assume the rest of society is just like us and can’t control themselves when they see a girl. Therefore we legislate for extremists like us. We think: ‘Well if I saw a hot girl in a mini skirt, I wouldn’t be able to control myself, therefore no one else will be able to either’. We then make Islam less accommodating to fit in with our own inadequacies. Also, since we are so inexperienced with society in general and women in particular, we are really under – confident about getting any girls for ourselves. But that’s not a problem, because we get to pick off all the religious girls who have come to get closer to the Deen but go home with a free scholar under their arm! We just teach all the girls that they should marry guys like…well, us. Even though it doesn’t say that you should marry the most knowledgeable guy anywhere. Although we actually aren’t very knowledgeable either…

Q: Sheikh, you are so blunt and honest, you have disproved your own argument!

A: It’s only cos I’m trying to get into your pants, so I haven’t disproved it at all.

Q: It is a pleasure to be in your company Sheikh Rehan. I want to ask you about a serious problem that is facing our youth in this modern society with it’s numerous evils that are attacking the Islam of the youngsters. One of the big problems for the youth is the so – called culture of ‘dating’. Can you clarify for us whether dating is allowed for men and women?

A: It depends on weather it is radiocarbon dating or using some other radioactive isotope. There is no difference between men and women on Carbon – 14 or any other isotope.

Q: Sheikh Rehan, you have been very forthright in criticising the manifest errors of some other groups, please allow us to avail of your wisdom. When we are looking to get married, what kinds of girls should we look for? Can you tell us the qualities, attributes and characteristics that are necessary or desirable. Please give a detailed answer.

A: White girls.

Q: Uhhh…thank you very much Sheikh, but please could you elaborate on your answer for the benefit of the brothers present?

A: White girls who like to party.

Q: How can you just say that?! You are a disgrace. How can you base the criterion for marriage purely on race! You are an embarrassment!

A: No FOOL! How can YOU base your rules of ‘compatibility’ solely on race?!?! What’s good for the goose is good for the gander! I PITY YOU!

Q: Thanks again Sheikh Rehan, as always we have seen a rigorous discourse from you! But Sheikh Rehan, what if I live in a country or an area where there are no ‘easy’ white girls? What should I do then?

A: Move.

Q: But Sheikh, what if I have really tried my hardest and still cannot score a ‘easy’ white chick, even an Eastern European one who just wants a passport. What should I do then?! Please help, I am losing hope 😦

A: Then you must go for an ‘easy’ Oriental girl, preferably one of those with pouty lips. And small hands.

Q: Ahhhh, thank you so much! But why the small hands?

A: It will make you feel better about the size of your (CENSORED).